Presence While Being Present

I’ve had an awareness rolling around my mind, probably because it has come up with multiple clients as of late, so it feels important to share.

So many of us are missing out on real, heart-felt, fulfilling connection with our loved ones - even while we are in the same room - because we’re spending all of our energy on our thoughts about them as opposed to being present with them. For example, it happens a lot between parent and child, so innocently. The parent is filled up from constantly thinking about the kids - worrying about this or that, strategizing for the following day, planning the future or feeling guilty about the past, and because they feel so filled up on their children from thinking about them all of the time, they don’t realize how empty the connection to their child in present time has been.

Is this making sense? Does it feel familiar?

It’s nothing to start having judgement around, it happens to all of us, all the time. We’re absent minded A LOT, why do you think I’m so passionate about sharing these things? It’s something we’re often not aware of because it’s such a trick of the mind when we think we’re present and then we have issues and confusion when the loved one in question feels distant or disconnected. The hat trick the mind is pulling on you is the fact that you haven’t been absent minded in your head - you’re thinking of them all the time! But you’re absent minded to the present moment, where real, deep connection is cultivated and exists.

How does this trick of the mind play out in real time?

In children, you may experience them having more tantrums, crying in a way that seems misguided, acting out - in adults, you may experience them having more tantrums, crying in a way that seems misguided, acting out. Forgive my tongue in cheek delivery, but truly, kiddos are mini adults with just a much bigger and louder expression of their insides since they don’t have words for what they’re experiencing. Nevertheless, in ALL of us, when there’s a void due to a longing for connection, it’s important to check our own state of mind. Where have we been? Just noticing this, starting to become aware of our presence when we’re present, is not only enriching for our relationships, but for our own experience of life as well.

So will you join me in checking in with yourself from time to time? When your child has a full meltdown because the bananas are ON the pancakes instead of IN the pancakes, instead of thinking they’re ridiculous, maybe check in with yourself on where you’ve been? It might not be the whole shabangy, but I can guarantee you that it isn’t something a little deep connection can’t fix.

As my mom has shared with me before, when I was a little one, I had a very easy time of asking for what I needed. The memory she’s shared is from when I was really little and I had been missing her so she asked me what I needed and I said, “I need to sit on your lap and put my hands on your face while you talk to me.” Oh man, heart. melted. It’s a testament to my parents that I always felt safe to put my heart out into the world and ask for what I needed. I remember asking if I could sleep in the middle of their bed from time to time, or being a very lanky teenager and asking if I could sit in the middle of them and hold their hands while we watched TV (pretty sure this was just before I moved out at 18). It’s a skill that I’ve taken for granted because it was something I never questioned in myself. But knowing the results of those asks always led to me feeling better - feeling safe and comforted and whole - I can see now how that was me listening to a deep part of myself that each and every one of us has when we listen. When we aren’t absent minded.

When we’re present in our presence.

Sending all the love in the world to you,

Jessie

Sometimes We Just Need A Reminder...

Let me set the stage for you.

I am 18 years old, I had just moved to Los Angeles, and a friend from work asks if I'd like to hang with him and some musician buddies after our shift is over. I oblige, and as I walk into his apartment, a guitar player I was ogling just two months previous when I was brand new to the city is sitting on the couch (cue stomach drop). When I had seen him play those months before, I watched him walk off the stage and into the arms of another girl, so I hadn't even attempted a conversation, though I was bummed she existed, nonethless. I'll never forget how we caught eyes as I walked into the apartment and were introduced. We made small talk with friends, then we took our conversation to the balcony and talked for hours. It was that getting to know each other tête-à-tête where you eat up every morsel of who the person is with pure excitement and hang on every word. I asked him about the girl from his show and much to my excitement, they had broken up - BUT - he was very clear, it had been a rough road for a few years with her and he was loving not being in a relationship (ugh, cue another stomach drop of a different kind). Then, much to my {additional} dismay, just as he shares his elation for no longer being in a relationship, she shows up to his apartment to 'talk.'

Cut to me in my 18 year old innocence, I had hardly dated back home because I was enamored with the dance studio and I was on an emotional roller coaster, poor thing. I was stunned to see her walk in, but I was grateful that his reaction was bereft of any iota of excitement to see her. We wrapped up the conversation and I tried to act cool as I slipped out of the apartment with my head in the clouds and my heart on the floor.

The following day my gut was on fire. I couldn't stop thinking about him and my instinct was to call him. My thoughts ran rampant trying to stop me: "He just got out of a relationship, Jessie! Hell, after last night, he may still be in one! You can't be the one to follow up the next day, YOU JUST MET HIM! Screw that, he's awesome - but is it lame to call? Shouldn't he be calling me? And by the way, he hasn't called YOU, so what does that say? Oh, wait, it's still morning, he's a musician, maybe he's still asleep. Nope, if he was into you, he would've called you by now!" As you can imagine, the hypnotic thought storm was real, but I persevered... "Screw it, call him - you never know where it will lead."

[Ring ring ring]

His roommate (my friend from work) answers... "Hello"

Me: "Hi! Is ___ there?"

Friend: "No, he's at the gym. Is this Jessie?!"

Me: "Oh, yeah, will you let him know I called?" (Cue the cringe)

Friend: "For sure... (Insert sarcastic joke about me calling him first). See you at work later"

Me: "Ok cool. See ya dude!" (Cue double cringe)

The guitar player calls back. My memory is a little dusty when it comes to the details of the next move, but what I do remember was having the exchange that we both knew the spark between us was blatantly obvious. He didn't want to jump into another relationship, not just for his sake, but mine too (melt). We agreed to start seeing each other now and again and every step of the way we would ask each other if we were cool with our pace and be completely honest if one of us wanted or needed to jump ship...

That guitar player is my husband, Mike. And 15 years later, I'm pretty sure we can say the rest is history.

Babies...

Why this story, you ask? Because it dawned on me not long ago that this was one of my first experiences where my Wisdom was loud and clear and I had to battle my thinking to follow it. Not only was it a volleyball match between my thinker and my knower at the very beginning, but when we were getting really serious three months later? My gut was telling me that he could be the one I married, he could be the one I saw myself having kids with, and my thoughts were having a hay-day that I hadn't taken in the lay of the land enough. I had just turned 19 by this point, and I called my mom frantic that maybe I shouldn't be moving towards such a serious relationship without having more experience. I'll never forget our exchange after going around and around about my insecure thoughts (my mom was onto the Three Principles before she was even aware of them)...

Mom: "What does your gut say?"

Me: "That he's it, mom. Like I can really feel like he's my forever."

Mom: "Then why would you trade in a Mercedes for a hoopty?" (hoopty translates to a craptastic new boyfriend).

NAILED IT.

She got me grounded in my Wisdom and that was that. It was right all along, it just took courage (and a little push from mom) to follow it.

For today, whenever you read this, I would love for you to take note of a time that you've done this in your life. Where your gut was screaming and against all odds of your thoughts trying to make enough logic to deter you, you followed it. It can be anything. A job you took the leap for, or a job you chose to walk away from. Following your dreams for a career that seemed impossible, or going to a school where you didn't know anyone. Going back to school or having a kid. Leaving home when you did or leaving a relationship that was toxic. Absolutely anything, big or small - I guarantee you, no matter who you are, that you have at least one experience to glean from. Once you have that memory, sit with it. Think of the ripple effect of positive experiences that happened around that choice of following your Wisdom. Feel the warmth of joy and gratitude all through your chest, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Breathe it in for at least a few minutes. Remember what it felt like to follow your gut.

Now...

Go do more of that.

All my love and see you next week...

Jessie